It is always myself surrounded by darkness when I want to say so much without letting people hear it. Some days I believe that some things are done very badly around me. People don't care about the work they do and only do what is minimally required at the lowest acceptable level. I am then so much enthusiastic that I could myself change how things are. I could talk to people, I could do the work, I could change how things are done around there. I can set an example!
Sometimes I think of myself that I should act in ways as if I'd be setting an example for everyone to follow. Such an effort, of course, attracts both admiration and hatred. But mostly nothing. It is my life and actions done by me mostly do not affect other people. And when it's time to do the stuff I thought I could do so well, it turns out that people do that quite adequately anyway and I have lost a significant part of my motivation already which means that I could only bring an insignificant improvement which has a respectively modest chance of receiving any recognition eventually.
This is what the best case scenario looks like. Fucking pessimistic already. When it comes to reality, I fail as well. Not too often though, but this is what regularly happens and makes me upset. This is how I can very quickly reduce my enthusiasm to make a huge difference in some place into making a mess and then feeling like a person with a very low tolerance of failure. I simply can not accept it. I must hate myself for at least a day to start thinking that I should perhaps accept my failure and move on.
I generally dislike phonecalls. I am too anxious about what to say when I have to make a phonecall and takes nerve to prepare it. Receiving one is shit as well firstly because I have no way of preparing for that. Unless I can. Which I then do. Most still are unforeseeable and I HATE SURPRISES. I prefer to have a plan and be quite anxious about all the shit that may ruin my plan. I can allow for huge uncertainties in my plan as long as I know how I will deal with the decisions I have to make later.
I generally like people. Not like one-by-one like individuals but more like species altogether. And I can only say this because of the very wonderful things like making good company, caring for others and building virtuous societies and families. But mankind is capable of so much more. Drugs, torture, gang rape, slavery and chicken factories are each a single compelling reason to give up on our species. These are just so many wonderful things none of which I am capable of myself. I wish I could give so much love to somebody (preferably a young, white, about 160 cm tall well educated female which IS QUITE DAMN SPECIFIC when thought about) as much as to perform a torture of undisputed cruelty upon some also VERY SPECIFIC HUMAN INDIVIDUALS (also, quite possibly those who would do something of the mankinds worst to the QUITE DAMN SPECIFIC female individual described earlier).
1. Be kind to all
2. Enjoy simple things
3. Do what you are successful at
4. Consider violence
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